Motherhood

In less than two weeks, my oldest son will celebrate his fifth birthday. I find myself looking back and trying to find where the time has gone. I can remember going to the hospital with intensely painful contractions, so bad I could hardly breathe, and being told I wasn't even dilated to 1 centimeter yet. I knew that this was more than false labor and that I needed to be there at the hospital. To make a super long story short, they discovered my baby was in distress, my water had not broke, and the fluid was murky green which means there was meconium present. The doctor rushed the baby out and he was whisked away from me to be suctioned, and put on oxygen. I kept waiting for that wonderful, sweet newborn baby cry, but didn't hear it. After what seemed like hours, I finally heard a small cry and after a bit more cleaning I was finally allowed to hold my son.
As a new mom, I remember wondering if I was doing things right...was he getting enough milk? Was I changing his diaper enough times? I remember the dr. visiting our little apartment and weighing my one week old baby. I asked if he was gaining enough weight and she told me he had gained almost a whole lb since being released from the hospital! She told me I must be doing it right for him to be thriving so well.
So many memories come back to me that it's hard to focus on any one in particular. His first words. His first shoes. How he played with his little baby brother. The first night he was away from me. His first day of pre-school.
We always notice how much our children change. They grow from a helpless mewling infant to a toddler who has teeth and longer hair. Then the preschool age with it's temper tantrums and independent spirit. But we often fail to notice and embrace the changes happening within ourselves.
Before I had kids, I loved people. I loved to be in church, getting together with friends, staying up late talking on the phone, going out to movies, shopping at the mall. And while these are things I still love to do, I do not feel complete in them. These are not the things that make me who I am any more. I am more than a girl. I am more than a shopper. I am more than a student. More than a daughter.
I am now the main caretaker of my 3 children. I am the one person who could go to a picnic and fill a plate for each of them and have them eat every single thing on it. I know what kind of clothes they like. I know their favorites: color, food, animal, person. And when they are upset or in pain, you can bet I'm the one they want. What an awesome privilege.
Being a mother has taught me to look beyond myself. To not be so selfish. I now am expected to share my food, my bed, my time and even my potty breaks. :) Motherhood has taught me how to truly care for another human being. I have learned that I don't know everything but my children will always ask me questions as if I do. I have learned that there are some things in life you just can't control, like the toddler who decides he has to poop 5 seconds before you're due at the doctor's office. I have learned that my well of adrenaline and "get-it-doneness" will never be completely empty. There is always a reserve for those middle of the night Emergency Room visits that lead into a day full of activities.
Can one ever know all the benefits of being a mother? Can one fully describe the depth of feeling and emotion and adoration? It is something you hold in your heart and hardly dare to breathe because it is so overwhelming and spectacular.
My life has been forever altered by my sweet children. Each day they become more a part of me. At times I find myself thinking I have always been a mom. I can hardly remember who I was before they came into my life. And I find myself thinking I like it that way.