Monday, January 14, 2013

Good-Night

Just another night where I feel like I have failed as a mom. So many days, my nerves are so frayed and my mood so sour that bed time ends up cut short and I walk away feeling like crying. Upon reflection tonight of my rotten attitude and the tears threatening to burst forth, I realized it wasn't the kids that upset me so. It isn't the lack of obedience, the unmade beds that had to be made when kids should already be tucked in, the arguing, the defiance, the last minute chit-chat to avoid having me leave or any of the other hassles that every mom faces.
No. The depressed feeling, the knot in my throat and the pit in my stomach, the tears pricking my eyes are all because of me. My attitude. My reaction to the hassles. My anger instead of patience. My exasperation at the endless questioning instead of responding with pleasant words. I come down the stairs with the sound of crying following me. I wish I could crawl in bed with each child and hug and hold them and talk for an hour. To leave with happy memories and sweet little kisses still upon my cheeks. But I am so tired and spent at the end of the day, all I can think about is getting each one in their respective beds and turning off the lights.
Where have I gone wrong? Why have I failed? I don't want to feel like I am giving in to the disobedience. I don't want to be a sucker. I want my kids to respect me and follow directions, which should, in turn, make the routine flow smoother.  Am I asking too much? But I end up feeling worse. I end up feeling like a disappointment and a failure at the highest calling I could ever have. I want to be better. I want to be the best. I want to have my kids look back on their childhood with fondness.

I would say I hope I am not the only mom who faces this "monster mom" in the evenings. But I also wouldn't wish this on any mom and her children.
I would wish for you peace in your heart and smiles on your face. That you would have energy and joy as you go through the nightly routine of tucking your sweethearts in. I would wish you patience to deal with each last request and stall, each book that is read night after night, and each song sung with a chorus of little voices. I would pray that as the light is shut off and you whisper your "I love you"s, that your heart would be full to bursting with love and an ache to make the world right for your angels. I would pray that when your child sneaks out of bed, you would be willing to give that hug that is needed, and not feel bothered. And when you finally make your way to your own bed, that you would have no regrets, have a clear conscience, and a peace about tomorrow.

Sweet dreams, wherever you are. You are a great mom. You are succeeding at this job called motherhood and are raising darling children who will raise up and bless you. You are the one chosen to mother them, and you will do so with grace and mercy, strength and dignity.

Live with love. Have no regrets.
Sweet dreams.