Enough

I haven't written in FOREVER, but just had to do some writing tonight. This is more for me than anyone. It's not written fancy. It doesn't have great flow. It not worthy of being in a magazine or being highlighted and shared on every social media site. But it's real. And it's what I needed to get out right now.

I am struggling with feeling like I am enough. Like what I do is enough. Like what I have is enough.
This world we live in today is amazing in so many ways. We can look up information on anything we want--boom, information in an instant. A quick texting conversation keeps us in contact with friends and family. So many conveniences are ours for the taking.
But entwined in the benefits are pitfalls. Snares.  Embedded in the daily connection of Facebook is a world of competition and envy. Oh we love seeing pictures of our family members in different states and keeping in touch with friends far and near. But we see what they are doing, the exciting things they are doing with their kids, the new "toys" they are buying and it's next to impossible to not have some envy.
Why do her kids sleep through the night but mine don't? I wish I could afford a new car/house/purse like they have. Their 4 year old can read better than my 8 year old. Her house looks so clean in every picture she posts. She's such a fun mom. She must be a better mom than me because she cooks healthier foods. I wish my family was as involved as theirs. Etc. The list in unending.

Another pit of ensnarement I have found is Pinterest. Not for it's often noted "time-wasting" abilities. No. I have found it to be a source of greater problems. It is way too easy to pin ideas for anything under the sun, and then what happens when you take a look at one of your boards? Sure you can see a list of possibilities. But I often see a list of things I want but will most likely never have. How depressing! It's one thing to see things in the store, things we can avoid looking at or even walk past, things we don't see every day. It's one thing to think about things we want. But to have pictures, lists, plans, detailed instructions with pictures right in front of us available to dwell on night and day is just plain torture!

Do you want to hear some of my thoughts I am struggling with? Well, one that's on my mind right now is about baby food. I want to make my own. I have been pinning ideas for a while now with recipes and health info. But if I use jarred baby food, is that enough? Will I still be a good mom? Will I be doing my child a disservice?
I want to read to my baby, well, all my kids really. But so often I feel like there just is not enough time. Or I'm tired. Or whatever. Am I messing them up for the rest of their lives? When they're grown up will they blame their lack of love of reading on me? If they struggle through school will it be my fault because I didn't read to them enough as little kids?
Another one. My children don't listen to me. At least not as often as I'd like. They ignore, sometimes on purpose. They do the opposite of what I instruct. They seem to enjoy getting away with it. Where have I gone wrong?

I guess I just have this overwhelming feeling of "I should be more." I should keep the house cleaner. I should go shopping more often. I should make better/healthier meals. I should make sure the kids get bathed more often. I should do more big chores (lawn mowing, recycling, house painting, garage clearing out) so my husband doesn't have that to worry about. I should keep the laundry caught up. I should launder everyone's bedding more often. I should do general housekeeping things that NEVER get done (i.e. clean windows, dust furniture, scrub shower, wipe down walls and baseboards). I should compost everything possible. I should build my own garden and tend it faithfully. I should learn to groom our dog and do it regularly to save us money. I should keep better track of our finances. I should find a way to make money to help pay bills. I should keep in touch with family better. I should do more fun activities with the kids (camping, trip to beach, amusement park, zoo, skating, bowling). Etc.