I have been really wanting to write again, searching for ideas, and at times finding them. But those would undoubtedly be the times when I was about to put the kids to bed, or leave the house, and would soon forget what it was I was going to write. And I sat down tonight intent on discovering just the right thing to blog about, and nothing came to mind. I thought to myself several times, "I just don't see where I've changed."
And then I thought, well, maybe that's the problem.
Have you ever seen the movie "Mulan"? I have always loved the song Mulan sings partway through while watching her reflection in the water. "Who is that girl I see staring straight back at me? When will my reflection show who I am inside?" There is just this haunting searching cry that I feel my own heart echo each time I hear that song. Who am I? Why do I feel so different on the inside than the me I show on the outside? Does everyone look different on the inside, or is it just me?
But why do I still feel this way? I thought these thoughts of longing and misplacement were issues only adolescents deal with. I thought that once I crossed the threshold of motherhood, wife-hood, or at least the ripe ole' age of 25 I would somehow be exempt from feelings of inadequacy and loneliness. And I am learning that, unfortunately, I was wrong.
When do we as women (or men if any man should ever choose to read this) finally reach a point in life where we are content with who we are, the choices we have made and will make, and are truly real both inside and out? I'm sure it's different for every person, that we can't set an age to it. I wish we could. It would be so assuring to be able to say, "Well Kei; I know you don't feel very confident/beautiful/competent/important/interesting/etc..... right now, but you only have 2 years left until you reach fulfillment! Keep plugging away and you'll make it!" How wonderful that would be!
The other night I watched a new Veggie Tales movie: Sweet Pea Beauty. It was very princessy. I love the illustration there was when the queen became uglier in action and thought, she also became uglier on the outside. In comparison, Sweet Pea Beauty was kind, sweet (of course), compassionate and generous, and was beautiful on the outside as well. The Bible verse QWERTY quoted at the end was "Charm is deceitful, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised." Proverbs 31:30.
The Bible also says to "delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart." Psalms 37:4.
A person can put 2 and 2 together and come to the conclusion that I know I must have heard before a dozen times. Delight in the Lord. Love Him. Obey Him. Keep His commands. Love your fellow man (the second commandment in Jesus version). Delight in the Lord and the desires that He has placed in your heart to prosper you will be given to you. The beauty, the confidence, the success we try so hard to achieve are all things we look to to make us happy and fulfill us. But we are left feeling empty and unknown because they can never take the place of our awesome creator and Father.
So, will anyone embark on this journey of learning to delight in the Lord with me? Does anyone else even need to embark, or are you already there? I know I cannot be alone in this place, that there is someone else out there feeling the same as me. What will we do about it? Continue to feel lonely, or unloved, or unsatisfied? Or will we choose to take the first step?
*Definitely watch the second video.
Great post!
ReplyDeleteI think the best idea when we feel unloved is to love, when we feel lonely, be a friend, etc... I think almost everyone has times of doubt about their own value, but it's such a vital thing to do, love yourself! Give your kids that gift of confidence and self worth.
I think you are beautiful and talented, and you are a wonderful friend!
There was something about turning 30 that I found liberating. I felt more ok with being who I am and not apologizing for it. Free to be myself.
you're beautiful to me...there are sooooo many things I want to respond to you. I just don't know where to start or when I have THAT much time!
ReplyDeleteAs I age, I'm finding life is...well it's the journey of finding out of who we are, on the inside and out. I still don't know the person in the mirror, I still don't like looking at that person most of the time anyway. I so remember many of the feelings you describe and I don't know how many of them are characteristics of being a woman and how many are from your upbringing and how many are you. Do we all feel that way at some point? I tend to think so to some extent or another. Maybe we can delve into it more on our weekend?
Remember now, for all the years of your childhood when I didn't tell you...you are beautiful, special and unique and GREATLY loved!
My love,
ReplyDeleteThere is always at least one man who will choose to read the words written on this page.
There is no one as lovely as you. No one matters more than you. There are none who can match your beauty. Out of thousands, even thousands upon thousands, no one can be found to equal the brilliance of your presence, nor any woman to mirror the enjoyment you create.
You are always loving. Caring. Thinking of others before yourself. You do this so much... it is in this you lose yourself. Your children adore you; turn to you. I cherish each moment spent with you. We all know how hard you work, the hours you invest in the nurturing and growth of our family. You've taken our three children and instilled in them confidence and irremovable value. Who else could be responsible for such an act? They know they are loved and cared for. They do not hesitate to dance before many, or sing loud their songs of praise. What care do they have for the fear of man? Love is in their hearts...loud and strong.
Who is responsible for this outcome? Some would ignore or nullify this beautiful work of yours, saying simply, "It is the Lord." But who moves in YOU? Who guides and strengthens YOU. Your help comes from the Lord, and He has entrusted this work into YOUR hands; "prepared in advance." And as the outcome shows, is showing, and will continue to show: our God was wise in trusting you with them.
You have been a friend to all of us. You never act unless first considering the people you love--how what might happen would benefit or harm them. When weighing the outcome, your decision always falls with your family and with those closest to you. Selfishness has no place in you. This is who you are. This is who you know that you are.
This is who we believe that you are.
You have kept the faith. Your love abounds. You have restrained our family from even the look of that which is unholy.
I love you. I am coming home soon after this graveyard of a shift ends. Sleep in beautiful peace, my love.
We all sometimes forget who we really are. Until I read this blog, I too had forgotten. May our love for each other be in reminding one another of just that: who we really are. From you to me, and I unto thee, as we walk together in this life. From now on.
ReplyDeleteI've had these feelings clearly since I was a teenager. There have been times in my life when I've felt rock-solid in my identity, and that's pretty wonderful, but most of the time the changing roles and seasons throw that all up in the air, which is unsettling. Nothing has made me more confused than parenthood! But I came to the same answer you did; I must seek FIRST the kingdom of God, and His righteousness. I must steep in His love like the air I breathe. He knows who I am and what I can be, and that's what matters. Beautiful post!
ReplyDelete