Words to a Baby

I was reading back through the journal I have kept for and about DS1. I started it when I was about 3 months pregnant with him. What amazed me was 1)How often I wrote in it before he was born. Shouldn't be so surprised since I was at home all day w/ no one to take care of. 2)How much of it probably won't mean much to anyone but me and possibly him as he gets older. 3)Almost every entry mentions something about how fast he is growing, or "I can't believe you're already ____ months old." or something like that.

Now, I know it really won't mean as much to anyone else, but I thought I'd share a few of the sweeter tidbits from here and there.

May 4, 2005: You are so wonderful. My life revolves around you. I constantly am waiting for your next movement, anticipating what new foods will cause you to do, and enjoying feeling you play hide-and-seek with everyone. No one but your daddy has been able to feel you.

May 14, 2005: I'm so anxious for you to get here. I wish they could do a c-section this week, just so I can have you. But you still have 8 weeks left. I know it will go by fast, and that is my only consolation.

September 16, 2006: I love you so much. Every day my heart just fills with more and more love for you. I can't believe how much love I have for you. You are my Sweetheart, my "Booger," my big boy. You are so cute and adorable. I love watching you sleep in the car. Your cheeks all cute and chubby, and your lips pooch out.

October 25, 2006: I have to keep telling myself, "I do love my kids, I do, I do..." Oh, there are days, like today, when I want to pull my hair out. Both you and DS2 have been pills. And you with your new found attitude. It drives me crazy!

March 12, 2010: Oh, what a character you are! You are 4 1/2 now, and full of your own opinions and thoughts. You are inquisitive and a good leader. I read somewhere recently that preschoolers ask an average of 75 questions an hour---and you seem determined to prove that!

July 14, 2010: Well, no longer are you 4. You have had your 5th birthday, and you are really embracing the self proclaimed idea that being 5 means you get special privileges. We are having to remind you constantly that you are still a child and you do still have to follow the rules and be nice.........You are so excited for all the wonderful adventures that life holds for you. One that comes to mind is losing your teeth. On your birthday you felt your teeth, then exclaimed "I'm not 5 yet! My teeth aren't wiggly!"



I have really enjoyed keeping journals for my 3 kids. It is a challenge to keep up with them. But it is so rewarding and special to be able to look back at how much they, and I, have changed. To see how I felt about what was going on at the time, to read the words of wisdom and insight I try to pass on to them. To see how many words they have said by certain points, or what new milestone they were reaching. It brings back so many memories.

I would really encourage anyone out there to try this. To keep a journal for each of your children. You can use any format you want, any content you want. Maybe it will be full of facts and milestones. Maybe Bible verses. Maybe you will write it as a letter, or maybe just a list of what happened that day. Any way you choose to do it, you will cherish it, and your child will adore you for it (when they are old enough to appreciate it!).

How wonderful to not let these moments disappear in the past. But to preserve the ups and downs, to glean our own wisdom someday in the future. I am so excited for the day I can hand this journal to my son, and maybe even watch him as he reads. I would love to talk with him, and remember each day with him. To see how far we've come. And to dream about what is next.

Motherhood

In less than two weeks, my oldest son will celebrate his fifth birthday. I find myself looking back and trying to find where the time has gone. I can remember going to the hospital with intensely painful contractions, so bad I could hardly breathe, and being told I wasn't even dilated to 1 centimeter yet. I knew that this was more than false labor and that I needed to be there at the hospital. To make a super long story short, they discovered my baby was in distress, my water had not broke, and the fluid was murky green which means there was meconium present. The doctor rushed the baby out and he was whisked away from me to be suctioned, and put on oxygen. I kept waiting for that wonderful, sweet newborn baby cry, but didn't hear it. After what seemed like hours, I finally heard a small cry and after a bit more cleaning I was finally allowed to hold my son.
As a new mom, I remember wondering if I was doing things right...was he getting enough milk? Was I changing his diaper enough times? I remember the dr. visiting our little apartment and weighing my one week old baby. I asked if he was gaining enough weight and she told me he had gained almost a whole lb since being released from the hospital! She told me I must be doing it right for him to be thriving so well.
So many memories come back to me that it's hard to focus on any one in particular. His first words. His first shoes. How he played with his little baby brother. The first night he was away from me. His first day of pre-school.
We always notice how much our children change. They grow from a helpless mewling infant to a toddler who has teeth and longer hair. Then the preschool age with it's temper tantrums and independent spirit. But we often fail to notice and embrace the changes happening within ourselves.
Before I had kids, I loved people. I loved to be in church, getting together with friends, staying up late talking on the phone, going out to movies, shopping at the mall. And while these are things I still love to do, I do not feel complete in them. These are not the things that make me who I am any more. I am more than a girl. I am more than a shopper. I am more than a student. More than a daughter.
I am now the main caretaker of my 3 children. I am the one person who could go to a picnic and fill a plate for each of them and have them eat every single thing on it. I know what kind of clothes they like. I know their favorites: color, food, animal, person. And when they are upset or in pain, you can bet I'm the one they want. What an awesome privilege.
Being a mother has taught me to look beyond myself. To not be so selfish. I now am expected to share my food, my bed, my time and even my potty breaks. :) Motherhood has taught me how to truly care for another human being. I have learned that I don't know everything but my children will always ask me questions as if I do. I have learned that there are some things in life you just can't control, like the toddler who decides he has to poop 5 seconds before you're due at the doctor's office. I have learned that my well of adrenaline and "get-it-doneness" will never be completely empty. There is always a reserve for those middle of the night Emergency Room visits that lead into a day full of activities.
Can one ever know all the benefits of being a mother? Can one fully describe the depth of feeling and emotion and adoration? It is something you hold in your heart and hardly dare to breathe because it is so overwhelming and spectacular.
My life has been forever altered by my sweet children. Each day they become more a part of me. At times I find myself thinking I have always been a mom. I can hardly remember who I was before they came into my life. And I find myself thinking I like it that way.