Reflections

I have been really wanting to write again, searching for ideas, and at times finding them. But those would undoubtedly be the times when I was about to put the kids to bed, or leave the house, and would soon forget what it was I was going to write. And I sat down tonight intent on discovering just the right thing to blog about, and nothing came to mind. I thought to myself several times, "I just don't see where I've changed."

And then I thought, well, maybe that's the problem.

Have you ever seen the movie "Mulan"? I have always loved the song Mulan sings partway through while watching her reflection in the water. "Who is that girl I see staring straight back at me? When will my reflection show who I am inside?" There is just this haunting searching cry that I feel my own heart echo each time I hear that song. Who am I? Why do I feel so different on the inside than the me I show on the outside? Does everyone look different on the inside, or is it just me?

But why do I still feel this way? I thought these thoughts of longing and misplacement were issues only adolescents deal with. I thought that once I crossed the threshold of motherhood, wife-hood, or at least the ripe ole' age of 25 I would somehow be exempt from feelings of inadequacy and loneliness. And I am learning that, unfortunately, I was wrong.

When do we as women (or men if any man should ever choose to read this) finally reach a point in life where we are content with who we are, the choices we have made and will make, and are truly real both inside and out? I'm sure it's different for every person, that we can't set an age to it. I wish we could. It would be so assuring to be able to say, "Well Kei; I know you don't feel very confident/beautiful/competent/important/interesting/etc..... right now, but you only have 2 years left until you reach fulfillment! Keep plugging away and you'll make it!" How wonderful that would be!

The other night I watched a new Veggie Tales movie: Sweet Pea Beauty. It was very princessy. I love the illustration there was when the queen became uglier in action and thought, she also became uglier on the outside. In comparison, Sweet Pea Beauty was kind, sweet (of course), compassionate and generous, and was beautiful on the outside as well. The Bible verse QWERTY quoted at the end was "Charm is deceitful, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised." Proverbs 31:30.
The Bible also says to "delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart." Psalms 37:4.
A person can put 2 and 2 together and come to the conclusion that I know I must have heard before a dozen times. Delight in the Lord. Love Him. Obey Him. Keep His commands. Love your fellow man (the second commandment in Jesus version). Delight in the Lord and the desires that He has placed in your heart to prosper you will be given to you. The beauty, the confidence, the success we try so hard to achieve are all things we look to to make us happy and fulfill us. But we are left feeling empty and unknown because they can never take the place of our awesome creator and Father.

So, will anyone embark on this journey of learning to delight in the Lord with me? Does anyone else even need to embark, or are you already there? I know I cannot be alone in this place, that there is someone else out there feeling the same as me. What will we do about it? Continue to feel lonely, or unloved, or unsatisfied? Or will we choose to take the first step?

*Definitely watch the second video.